Space

It's almost embarrassing the way this is such a public journal
But, though I've been told how wrong it is, I find the need to do this.
To shoot words into the ether, and see responses, other thoughts
and sometimes the endless silence.

Space has so many meanings,
the measure of dimensions available in a house,
the infinite Universe/Galaxies and all we can't perceive,
though we try and achieve answers with exploration,
that in their revelation create more Space to ponder.
So many meanings within a relationship or relationships as well.

And it's that Space I'd like to write my thoughts on, maybe to work out my very powerful anger today, or possibly work out the resolution that is so obvious, however Writhing Emotions evades it's destiny.

These are my concepts of Space, I can't claim that I might be wrong...
since the sense of that is so relative to each individual and then the combining of individuals together. Making each individual connection and relation to one another a whole new concept to juggle as far as Space is concerned.

Ok, enough with the rationalizing my needs and concepts of Space,
it's Time to List what at this moment in time it means to me.
Because as I so well know, Space means something different when mixed with varying personalities and in changes of self, which occur constantly.

Space, a 3D Rambling and Shelving of things

I'm a very complicated person, and tend to need alot of private time.
Communication is maybe the most important characteristic in relationships of all types, but so difficult to achieve.

Because of many things, number one being that I"m for all intents deaf.
I wasn't born that way, sometimes I wonder if that would have been easier, but verbal communication is a chore for those that need to say something to me.
But in that handicap I've overdeveloped my already very strong intuitive side.

I don't want to go all Creepy Meta-physical with this, and freak any possible readers out, but I've seen things before they happen.
Know what's coming through whatever sense it is that I was born with, read people instantly, then make huge mistakes because I don't want to be judgmental, so I give them benefits of the doubt that so far...I always regret.

My tuning fork, I always give credit to my Cherokee/Gypsy ancestors, on one side the Indians and the other the Gypsy, though my Great Grandmother would seethe with anger if she ever heard that word in relation to her, she was from the Gypsy land and they did uproot and travel here, and then traveled many times once in this "Land of Opportunity", which ended up being Land of Poverty instead.

With the loss of my hearing, all of those aspects/instincts came in very handy at trying to appear to be a hearing person. It actually made me seem dense, less intelligent than others, because the hearing world doesn't quite get why I'd start talking about something that is so off subject from what is being said, or why I'm laughing, when the conversation had turned serious...
well, I've lot's of funny stories about that, but I think I did a fair job

Back to the communication coupled with Space
Being as introverted as I am, I need to look inward when others are talking to me,
I need to see the meaning within, jockey the incoming information with my concepts
Challenge my thoughts...how do those fit with what I've believed, could I stretch my thoughts out and find a new concept or belief from what I'm hearing and expand/alter my set of philosophical concepts?
Am I wrong, how wrong,
Am I looking to be wrong to avoid confrontation
How much of what I'm hearing and withstanding, attack wise that is self flagellation?
Complicated constant inner struggles make really talking to me, either very rewarding for the parties involved, or very ugly.

But here's the thing...I HAVE TO watch them talk to comprehend their words
Which for me invades my space, and also causes a really Dark problem
Body Language
Man...No Hearing person seems to understand what that is to a Deaf person
Every twitch of your body, grimace, eye roll, sigh
Shift of anything is being read into
and to top that off, my instincts are so honed in
I can't stand to hear and look when it's with those that are filling the Communication Space
With Anger, Manipulation, Ulterior Motives, etc...

So
Space is Leaving when I see that Anger is the only end result

That's a BIG one for me...Please Go Away...Calm Down
Think about what you are doing, what I'm doing, where the Anger or Strong difficult emotions came in
Then come back calm, with thoughts and philosophies realigned and try again

What is so hard about that????
I just don't understand why that's so difficult
Is it a Female thing?
Most men honor that, maybe I'm more Manly then I look?

Space means so many things to me
but that Space...
the Space to separate from Negative Communication
So you can look at it from all sides
Better yourself by opening up to it
Grow from mentally examining it from all angles
Is probably the most important secret to a relationship with me.
Too bad that's the one thing I can't seem to get