UGH GRRRR

Oh the things I see
Deaf
a Dirty word
A Silent Condemnation

What started Beautiful
Ended
I'm a Bitch

Maybe I am
I don't mean to be
I tried all day to be there
ugh
ugh
ugh

I stayed
Though leaving felt right

I'm now a bitch for escaping
I needed time to think
ugh
ugh
ugh

I guess I'm apiece of ...
lousy human being

So Sad
so Very, Very Sad

Should have stood strong
and now

I'm a Bitch
Damn
that hurts
Bitch!!!!!

Sum me up to that
Come on
sorry

Cant get past that
Word

Bitch

Guess
That's Me

Queen of Hearts

Just in case I worried anyone
I did go to the ER

Everything went very bad after my last post and
my fear battled my stubbornness
and the Fear won

I'm all black and blue
with such great veins I wonder why it's so hard to put an IV in me
It's just unreal....can't they see the half inch blue running up and down and all over
One thing I've always had were the veins of a body builder
Blue strong roads to the crazy blood that flows it's odd way thru my body

Of course they kept me overnight,
ran so many tests
blood every hour
EKG, heart rate, oxygen
Ya know the works

And finally released me from the Hell of that overly white and sterile vacation
So I'm home,
but...

I miss you my friends!!!! So much
But
I'm just not ready for Facebook yet

My minds muddied and I'm fighting inner and outer Demons
I feel I need you all
But, I know I need to be with me for now

Figure out where the Pathways lie
Take back my soul from it's unsettled distractions
Find Me, somewhere
Till I'm strong enough
Of Dreamy Mind and Loving Heart
Where the sound of all that's wild and untamed
Brooks and Rivers
Mountains and Trees
The Raw
The Art in the Chaos
Attune within my Fragile Breast

For now, I'm only online to blog when
The Shapes that haunt me fall away
But I'll be back

I feel great Love towards you
My Friends I've never met
and in that invisible web we've found
You are a Beauty
A Shining light of proof
That in the darkest hours
In the years of escapism
Through so much we've all encountered
Friends are the most Precious gift of all

Great Love, and Hugs and smiles
I'll send you laughs when I find my smile
Know you are in my heart
My mind
Hugs

And My Shadow
Thank You for your comment~~~
I will get that screaming out a bit
Will follow the words said and those between the lines
Your friend
3D

Thump Thump Thump

I'm laying here in fear
My heart is beating so fast and irregular
Why am I debating the trip to the ER?
Should I just go?

Am I afraid of the answers I may finally get,
or is this a panic attack

ugh, my hands are too weak to write want I want
I'll come back to all these thoughts later

A Time for Beginings A Time for Endings

Why am I seeing so many parallels?

Is it that time?

The time for remembering, time for cutting and burning?

Time for telling the tale at last

Tale?

Hmm, bitter and frightened groan, ha…

Tales is more like it

Life time of so many tales

And I feel as if my life is about spent

It feels so unfair..so very unfair

I said I’d start…

will this be the beginning of my mental end?

Does it matter?

My End..

prolonged for so many years,

maybe back to the very beginning of my existence

Well the tales will have to wait a bit longer

Hopefully I can find my way out of the dark...

or through the dark I can find what I’ve spent my life running from

Monsters

Demons

Invisibility

Obscurity

Me

Black to Black and Back

Tears keep falling

How do I find the words?

Where is the Light out of the Darkness?

I'm so angry, disappointed, angry, hurt, angry, hurt

ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to find the way out of I

I this
I that
I is becoming a dirty word

3rd person would help if I could just get out of the I in things

Can someone who loves you......Me.....
Drive me to
oh never-mind that one...I for sure know that answer

In the darkness of where she's trying to lead me
I see the reason
and I really don't appreciate it
It's selfish

Black Black Twisted Eyes
Twisted us all
Can't walk in the room without seeing the twisting in the face of my Mom

What makes anyone think I need more twisting?

More like Un-Twisting
De-tangling and Beauty
Peals of Laughter I could not find till nearly 30

Smiles I've only recently learned

It's not the revelation it's the desire to pull me out of my Dreamer
When I'm seeking that to persevere that I resent

Black..Black Eyes of the Sociopath that raised me
You really think I need to relive that?
Really?

Just so I can stop being a sensual Dreamer?
That feels so sick to me

Feels like a Demolition Ball Cracking every essence of me

Black, Black Eyes
I'll only see in Nightmares

Go Away Little Child in Me
Go Away



*Afterthought:
What is it about me
That makes so many feel
They must erase me
To feel Whole?

I ponder that always

Something about who I am
is too much or not enough
or something....
and the more you remove me from Me
The greater desire to continue that battle
It must be so powerful
it keeps happening

Can't they see?
You only make me go Deeper
Down into the almost Blackness of the Sea
Far away and cold/safe
Maybe not safe
but numb

Till I can't find me...in my efforts to hide that self it seems you want to destroy

I am masterful at this..
don't they know?
I've been hiding and surviving since 2 1/2
Since the Monster married my mother
Since Nightmares were preferred over reality

Erased: hmmm: Yea I know it would be easier
But to survive a Sociopath you have to be crafty
You have to swim till nothing but the cold blackness
is what they'll find

Beyond The Sharks
Till the Sea is only Death
That No One can find

Rationally, I know I'm stinging and punching, you know the emotional punch
Words said that silence prying and painful things
The Guilt I feel for being me
It lives and breathes
way down deep away from even my eyes

I guess the Struggle out of the Blackness of me
Will take so much more strength
Then I thought

Can I find enough Love of Self
Un-Anchor my Death
Till Light and Shimmering Fairy's of Life
Breath Beauty back into my Tattered Self?

Log to Self: Musings of Musings

Out of the Coverlet and into a Fire
Well....Fire isn't exactly the adj. more like into the World
Not that firey and lovely enrapturing of Passion
More like the cotton stuffed into your ears and a
hmmmm
Hang Over
w/o the fun

A Day
Important and filled with Mundane
but a day, my day
out from under the Blanket of Death
Maybe into it
I'm unsure
but a Day nevertheless

Ending in Anger
What's wrong with my heart?
Can I get a care? an answer?
I'm so young next to all the patients
Does No one wonder why my EKG looks like this

I'm very depressed this night
My mother has
in her broken and cluelessness
let me know,.....she needs me to be her Mom still
I won't
Will NOT be all of your Mother's anymore
so get used to it
I'm your daughter/sister/friend
The Shadow is overtaking me again
CAn I find the strength?
My heart hurts..I know my life is borrowed

You must find the Me somewhere other than the Rescue Aid Society of Me
I need Rescuing
which I'll never get
Don't ask of me
Don't demand of me a Song
to render you healed
while I lie thrashing

I can say no more
my pain is suffocating me
and my heart is a traitor
into the bottle of potions
into the flight of the eagle
into the arms of night I fly
Fly
Fly

Aint No Mountain Hi Enough

Waking up takes such effort
Perhaps because sleep comes so rarely and disturbed.
I long to open my eyes to something of beauty, hope, peace
And Up the Mountain of filth and dysfunction I climb.
The pace is slow today
The hurt and complete sense of Aloneness
nearly paralyzes me into the death slumber of the past years

But Aint no Mountain Hi Enough
Nor Family Low
Nor situation Tough Enough
To keep me away from Me!

My wish is that my next words here
are filled with just a bit less bitter Byte
Cheers
or
Cheer Up
3D

Dreamer's Break Out of her Cracked Shell

Three Years
Has it been more?
Lost in a Sea, My Drowning and shallow Breath
Struggles to find the Shore
A shore of Beauty

Have I really lain in bed for 3 years?
The Heart I have
Smothered and Dark
Seeking it's light before the Damage ceases it forever.

I hope only those that find me here
1.Are Strangers that read my musings
2. Know me and are not looking for ways to use my words and twist them in judgment

So heavy is the Blanket pulled over my my mind
I thought it was to keep me warm, buffer me from the cruelty
This once dreamers heart ,found too fragile to bear.
Disguised in protection the heavy coverlet has wrapped me so tightly away from me
and It's time to shed it's warmth
Cold and Shadows may follow
Light and Life
Whispers of things only found in nightmares
or my past
Sonnets of Soaring Heights.
Whatever the Exposure
I'm Naked to receive.

Fear is so close,
and the darkness is always a tear away
But, with any luck
I"ve found a doorway out of my depression
and If not, I'll find it
At-least I now Know
A Doorway is somewhere
Even when I knock my body in the walls of my mind
with the eyes of the Dragon fly
The Door is near
3D