Black to Black and Back

Tears keep falling

How do I find the words?

Where is the Light out of the Darkness?

I'm so angry, disappointed, angry, hurt, angry, hurt

ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to find the way out of I

I this
I that
I is becoming a dirty word

3rd person would help if I could just get out of the I in things

Can someone who loves you......Me.....
Drive me to
oh never-mind that one...I for sure know that answer

In the darkness of where she's trying to lead me
I see the reason
and I really don't appreciate it
It's selfish

Black Black Twisted Eyes
Twisted us all
Can't walk in the room without seeing the twisting in the face of my Mom

What makes anyone think I need more twisting?

More like Un-Twisting
De-tangling and Beauty
Peals of Laughter I could not find till nearly 30

Smiles I've only recently learned

It's not the revelation it's the desire to pull me out of my Dreamer
When I'm seeking that to persevere that I resent

Black..Black Eyes of the Sociopath that raised me
You really think I need to relive that?
Really?

Just so I can stop being a sensual Dreamer?
That feels so sick to me

Feels like a Demolition Ball Cracking every essence of me

Black, Black Eyes
I'll only see in Nightmares

Go Away Little Child in Me
Go Away



*Afterthought:
What is it about me
That makes so many feel
They must erase me
To feel Whole?

I ponder that always

Something about who I am
is too much or not enough
or something....
and the more you remove me from Me
The greater desire to continue that battle
It must be so powerful
it keeps happening

Can't they see?
You only make me go Deeper
Down into the almost Blackness of the Sea
Far away and cold/safe
Maybe not safe
but numb

Till I can't find me...in my efforts to hide that self it seems you want to destroy

I am masterful at this..
don't they know?
I've been hiding and surviving since 2 1/2
Since the Monster married my mother
Since Nightmares were preferred over reality

Erased: hmmm: Yea I know it would be easier
But to survive a Sociopath you have to be crafty
You have to swim till nothing but the cold blackness
is what they'll find

Beyond The Sharks
Till the Sea is only Death
That No One can find

Rationally, I know I'm stinging and punching, you know the emotional punch
Words said that silence prying and painful things
The Guilt I feel for being me
It lives and breathes
way down deep away from even my eyes

I guess the Struggle out of the Blackness of me
Will take so much more strength
Then I thought

Can I find enough Love of Self
Un-Anchor my Death
Till Light and Shimmering Fairy's of Life
Breath Beauty back into my Tattered Self?

Log to Self: Musings of Musings

Out of the Coverlet and into a Fire
Well....Fire isn't exactly the adj. more like into the World
Not that firey and lovely enrapturing of Passion
More like the cotton stuffed into your ears and a
hmmmm
Hang Over
w/o the fun

A Day
Important and filled with Mundane
but a day, my day
out from under the Blanket of Death
Maybe into it
I'm unsure
but a Day nevertheless

Ending in Anger
What's wrong with my heart?
Can I get a care? an answer?
I'm so young next to all the patients
Does No one wonder why my EKG looks like this

I'm very depressed this night
My mother has
in her broken and cluelessness
let me know,.....she needs me to be her Mom still
I won't
Will NOT be all of your Mother's anymore
so get used to it
I'm your daughter/sister/friend
The Shadow is overtaking me again
CAn I find the strength?
My heart hurts..I know my life is borrowed

You must find the Me somewhere other than the Rescue Aid Society of Me
I need Rescuing
which I'll never get
Don't ask of me
Don't demand of me a Song
to render you healed
while I lie thrashing

I can say no more
my pain is suffocating me
and my heart is a traitor
into the bottle of potions
into the flight of the eagle
into the arms of night I fly
Fly
Fly

Aint No Mountain Hi Enough

Waking up takes such effort
Perhaps because sleep comes so rarely and disturbed.
I long to open my eyes to something of beauty, hope, peace
And Up the Mountain of filth and dysfunction I climb.
The pace is slow today
The hurt and complete sense of Aloneness
nearly paralyzes me into the death slumber of the past years

But Aint no Mountain Hi Enough
Nor Family Low
Nor situation Tough Enough
To keep me away from Me!

My wish is that my next words here
are filled with just a bit less bitter Byte
Cheers
or
Cheer Up
3D

Dreamer's Break Out of her Cracked Shell

Three Years
Has it been more?
Lost in a Sea, My Drowning and shallow Breath
Struggles to find the Shore
A shore of Beauty

Have I really lain in bed for 3 years?
The Heart I have
Smothered and Dark
Seeking it's light before the Damage ceases it forever.

I hope only those that find me here
1.Are Strangers that read my musings
2. Know me and are not looking for ways to use my words and twist them in judgment

So heavy is the Blanket pulled over my my mind
I thought it was to keep me warm, buffer me from the cruelty
This once dreamers heart ,found too fragile to bear.
Disguised in protection the heavy coverlet has wrapped me so tightly away from me
and It's time to shed it's warmth
Cold and Shadows may follow
Light and Life
Whispers of things only found in nightmares
or my past
Sonnets of Soaring Heights.
Whatever the Exposure
I'm Naked to receive.

Fear is so close,
and the darkness is always a tear away
But, with any luck
I"ve found a doorway out of my depression
and If not, I'll find it
At-least I now Know
A Doorway is somewhere
Even when I knock my body in the walls of my mind
with the eyes of the Dragon fly
The Door is near
3D

Dreams

Lately I've been having dreams that were recurring nightmares as a very young child.

And I've been watching the new show "The Gates"
One of the characters is a succubus

Well as I followed that link, some of the descriptions reminded me of some Child Sleep happenings
And I wondered if some event has caused these Dreams to resurface.

Specifically the

Qarinah

Also the description of possible encounters, where Sleep Paralysis is discussed

I really would like to undergo some type of hypnosis
If only to better understand what actually happened during those Black out Years of my Childhood

More about Robbie Williams

OK, I am posting a link to a pretty good bio.
This guy is interesting.
I don't always like the songs
but videos are worth the listen.
Actually, most of the videos
Although quite graphic and sexually explicit,
(Which of course I am always a fan of that)
They are original and do their job of
Causing reaction
The good and bad

I love them, sometimes they disturb me,
Somethings are hard to watch,
but mostly, I am ecstatic that I was able to stumble upon this amazing
( chuckling on those terms)
and incredibly risque artist
Max stars for him

http://www.robbiewilliamsfans.com/discography.html

Love this Guy, he is out there. Robbie Williams "radio"

Why do I

I'm having a giggle at the probability

that I might be the only one looking at my blog.

It is all good.So,

I'll talk to myself a little more.

Full chuckle now.

MC Solaar is just the top of my list.

I am not into rap much, but in french,

wee wee

Love It.

And then the artistic European video

Wow, mouth watering visuals.
The combination of the arts is mesmerising.

Since I am talking to myself,

I would like to tell myself

to checkout the other videos.

HEE HEE

Ok another one I love.

Love This Artist....MC Solar - Solaar Pleure

Blogger Poker Tourney Day 1

Well, it was Omaha hi today, there were 10k entrants and the action was fast.
Took it slow, waiting for flush hands and made some big pots.
Lost some big pots,
Won them back
and then...
Stupid last minute call on a flush hand with a cold river.
BRRRR
Still freezing from that.
I placed 82 missing the ticket by 10.
Stupid moves late are beyond ignorant.
Next time tomorrow, HoldEm
Smarter and luckier I hope.

Great table full of bloggers
They make the most interesting
and fun
Players.

Today in the no Poker day

Well, I signed up for a freeroll Omaha H/L
Unfortunately mid game the Cowboys were starting their game.
I made a good push, got some money and sat out the rest of the time.
10,000 players, I ended 792 without being there.
I like...
Wink
Cowboys ruled over the Giants,
Good Day

And my back, talk,
Well started out really bad,
But 28 ibuprofen later
I had enough relief to clear my head.

Time to meditate.
Have great night.

Poker Talk

Ok, Today no more back talk!!!
Big Smile

What I would like to do is explain the poker ad.
I have been enjoying this site and within a week was able to win a spot after beating nearly 10,000 other players.
The best part, it was a freeroll.
I then was able to place in a tournament for cash, decent amount too.

Well, if anyone wants to check it out click the link.
I have tried several, and I will critique them later, but so far Poker Stars ROCKS.

Updateds and info to follow.
Peace

My achey, breaky, back, heart and Mind

OH, the mighty fear and pain. It is swallowing me whole.
I went for an injection in my back, one that was supposed to give me more mobility.
I now can’t even stand up.
All the aspirations of the gym,
going out,
wearing high heels,
dancing.
Gone.
Oh, the independent me is falling apart.
I am sobbing in frustration.
I lost my friend, the only one who ever talked to me like Haus.
Said I was smothering.
I was just talking, communicating for the first time in years.
Not a friend, better to know earlier than later.
Makes the loneliness even harder to cope with.

Reasons for GAY Marriage

It is beyond amazing,
the touch that the human spirit is fated towards,
when the path permits.

I have had an incredibly transitional year,
existence,
maybe many lives.

As the darkness descends,
I feel the hopelessness
and become absorbed
in the journey of survival.

It is in the power of destiny
that I relish the opportunity to participate.

I have been reduced
to making a living in the strangest ways
and I replied to an ad for some free things,
talked to what I sensed
was a gay man with something to hide.

I felt some strange energy from this guy,
something askew,
but I decided to make the trip.

He told me many things,
I thought I heard that someone had died,
he needed everything gone immediately
and maybe he said that he was taking a bus,
but my deaf ears
were lost to his soft and desperate voice.

With my understanding of sounds,
he could have said anything
other than what I gleaned
and with suspicion
I weighed the risk.

Through obstacles
I arrived at a very nice house
with a for lease sign,
out comes a young and anxious man,
grateful
and lost.

His eyes burned of pain
and his lips were chapped
and bruised from biting them.

He needed money for a Budget Suites
or someplace cheap
and was willing
to take anything
for the few things
crammed into the one car garage.

He asked for two or three hundred,
but I have nothing,
been living in a campground.

I had $23.00 dollars to my name
and he said he would take it.
Mom put $20.00 dollars with mine.

He explained that his lover (male) had died of AIDS and left no will.
The family came in and took everything,
he didn’t know how to handle the police and group of greedy relations,
so he let them take his life,
his lover’s,
his grief and loss,
and turn it into a circus
that he had no strength to muster a fight.

Tears were in his eyes,
and I didn’t know until later
he said he would hug us if he knew us better.

I think that meant he has the same sickness.
I wish my ears could have heard….
I would have embraced him with all the strength in my body.

His eyes and loss are haunting me.
I didn’t want to take anything,
but he insisted these things needed to go,
while not wanting to be present.

I can only imagine
what thoughts of his destiny
must have been in his heart.

I can’t get the desperate look of his face out of my mind.

I told him I’d look for help for him.

This is my effort to reach out for him.

He has nowhere to stay,
no time to grieve;
he is trying to survive what is left of his life.

I could write a book from the look in his eyes,
the smell of his desperation
and the energy of his being.

I will look for AID for him.

I only hope it isn’t too late.

Chimp Chump

Oh, How it hurts,

Life

Without you,

You think the same separateness as I,

Feel the whole,

Just a little

And the now

Too much.

I can’t breathe,

Thinking our whole has

Become some

Stinking thing

Breathe the health

In acrid air

Smells of life

Fumigate emotional stench

Apart we seem to be

But how I love you

Till the pain of yours

Has become me.

Sisters, we cannot change

Changing dollars to sense

Delve into your pocket

That is the change.

Ring a ding ding,

Help in a punch

Punch me

You

I travel the solemn path

The tracks

Chug the brew

Down the hatch

Drinking you

Happy in the Gloomy

I had a visit from a friend,
it's been so long.
This dear and slightly mischievous soul,
Brought gifts,
Laughs, I desperately needed,
Views and viewpoints,
More in sync with mine, for once,
Hmmm, maybe the in sync was a hidden given?
Something juicy to sink my lips into.
And it was Oh So Good...
And somethings for this rainy day.
I especially enjoyed,
Euthanasia,
Thanks Friend!!!

Changes

Many changes are underway
some at record speed

I had an accident in March
and another 2 weeks ago

Hearing aids are gone
so silence like never before
has swallowed me whole

Back to the campgrounds I go
Penniless and multi-handicapped

I now have 3 dogs,
Ayla, my forever faithful
Her big beautiful mate, Rococo
and their pup ChiChai
5 new pups ever adorable

The campgrounds will not be loving this.

There is a dark impending,
live under a bridge gloom,
Shadowing the future,
Fees without funds should be interesting.

But as always,
I work to embrace
The return path
And the hope
for a better outcome.

Mirror, Mirror

Was I born,

With lips downturned?

Or is this but a mirror

Of my life’s

event?

I looked, and looked

And with great effort

With great strain

Lips went up.

Nostalgia

Remembers my Great-Grandpa’s words

It takes more effort to frown than smile.

I think I am an anomoly

A force of agony,

Much like the meaning of my name…

Pain

It is a struggle to lift my lips

Turn the feelings into a smile

My eyes,

Penetrating,

Searing

Scythes.

Yet, only in

Effort,

Can these lips

Crack that smile

I have evaded capture in the mirrors eye

For so long that U’d believe my lies

Lies, I swore I’d never tell

Tales,amidst the scandalous lair

It is in the mirror

This journey begins

With lips tuned down

And life a frown

I watch and capture

The glimpse of me

A me

Not the real

But the

Cocoon

About to be birthed

A me

Born to be,

Frightening,

This fraught me.

And now I sell

My lifes wares

On the road

To distant Fairs

With great regret

And somber

Chest swell

I’ll make this mile

These miles

All miles

A swell

Sail.

Crashed

Well a hard drive and CPU
Burned

Mind and heart
disabled

slit wrist
past

and I am tentatively
Back

I have no contact info.
on Anyone

or myself

I live in a musty, dark closet
on campus...

no one knows....
shhhhh

I hope all are healthy and prospering

Love to those whom know their status